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When the fear of losing my husband actually turned it into a real life reality....

 First off, I am not going to sit here and say that the last 14 years of my life were a waste and that they were awful, because that would be a lie. They were some of the best days and years of my life. However, I learned a lot about myself in just one week that I wish I could have learned years ago, but the saying goes sometimes it's a little too late, and usually, well honestly, it did used to piss me off. Id fight it and beg for another chance. Well, ive been given so many that im okay with accepting that this is it, it's really over. There were definitely times I pushed him too far to the point of pushing him over the edge, I lied, I cheated, I accused him of cheating. So many of the things I did them. But in these last summer months my insecurities were so awful that I destroyed it all. In fact, ive been insecure the entire time and thats why I pushed the man I loved with my entire heart and soul so far away. I always over thought things that I ended up making stupid mistakes and worried too much about his family hating me that they do in fact hate me. I literally took on my mom's personal insecurities and made them my own and acted out the same way that she would have. But today I finally see this, and I'm proud of that because for once I can look in the mirror and see me, a beautiful woman who isnt her mom. I'm me and  can be exactly who I want to be. I can be that good genuine person that I am without all the bullshit because with the added bullshit thats what makes me look like a fraud.. so no, no more of that, and no more men, and please back off boys with your sexual advances they were fun to entertain like an idiot when I didn't think my husband would ever see them even after we called it quits. The fact is it still probably fucking hurt. And he had been looking for a sign of infidelity all summer and we gave him one when there was none, I call that my perfect karma.. since I accused him all summer and there was none. And it broke my heart to have an IT guy look into my phone to discover my poor husband has been on edge for 3 years almost at least in my email from time to time looking for cheating...so it was time to let him go. I put this poor man through so much heart break just by sitting at home even. I will never date again, or ever have sex for personal reasons. He will always be my last always and forever and I will never remarry because I made a promise to myself if I failed marriage once I'd never do it again to hurt another man. I'll share more tomorrow but I have alot to pack for my husband to move out. Toodles!!!

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